It can't all be sweet

I’ve been avoiding this blog entry for quite some time. It’s the one that actually publically acknowledges my depression. So I’m jumping in and doing my best to give this disease a voice, here goes...

Pretty Shitty

Earlier this week I saw my new head med doctor. I had put off scheduling the appointment for a variety of reasons, once I finally got myself together to schedule the appointment it required 3 months of waiting. Time is never on the side of a depressed patient and patience is hard to come by.  I’ve been on and off of anti-depressants for about 10 years. It’s not something I want to do and I often struggle with the decision to take medication. Part of the fun of this disease is that I often don’t even believe it exists. I want so badly to just wish depression away and be happy, and since it isn’t something that can be seen I can convince myself it’s truly all in my head. I certainly don’t want to have to rely on a medication to feel ‘normal.’ There are also times when I feel that taking medication is somehow weak, that I’m not strong enough to battle through and fix this on my own. Cuz you know, tons of people wish their diseases away.

It's the Pits

Further agitating my internal struggle to take meds and believe in this “depression” thing is the fact that the medical world doesn’t actually understand how anti-depressants work. And, since we’re all different, we all respond differently (if at all) to this menagerie of medication. I was reminded at my appointment that over the course of the last 10 years I have tried at least 17 medications to try to alleviate or minimize the symptoms of my depression.  For each med that means a solid month of onboarding. Waiting to see whether or not this pill helps and enjoying multiple obnoxious side effects, only to find that I don’t feel any better. Next we try the dosage boost hoping that maybe if we put more in my system I’ll get happy. When that doesn’t work we begin to craft the perfect cocktail of medication, a sleep aid is frequently included since anti-depressant side effects and the actual depression itself causes seriously agitated sleep. So, let’s pretend we’ve set a new record and we’ve found a medication match in just 6 weeks (several months is more realistic). The benefits outweigh the side effects and life begins to settle into a nice groove. Happiness isn’t an impossibility, that is, until. One day, possibly years into the medication, for no discernable reason, the med stops working.  Back to the beginning we go, and that’s where I am today. I’m trying a new med doc with the hope that this person will be able to solve my depression puzzle.

It’s important to note that medication is not the first stop for most folks with depression. In my case I have a talk therapist and I do my best to practice as many healthy habits as possible. I take vitamins, eat well, have a sleep routine, exercise, do yoga, drink water, limit alcohol, maintain social relationships, garden and have tried numerous stupid self-help books. It’s always work and seldom joyful.

Talking about depression is annoyingly depressing. Next time, more candy, less Debbie Downer.