It's not you, it's me

Oh boy, I've sure been avoiding this one. I promise to bring some sweetness again soon. In the mean time, here's something that'll likely make you feel crappy.

Isolation, why I don’t want to talk to anyone, ever.

Contagious.

The reality is, it isn’t fun to talk about depression, it is inherently depressing. In many cases when I talk about my depression it causes others to get depressed. This is especially true if a person has a propensity toward depression. I don’t enjoy being the reason that someone feels worse.

Helplessness.

When I talk about the effects of my depression, people feel terrible for me. They aren’t sure what to do and feel bad that they can’t fix or help me. Again, I don’t like making people feel bad, and talking about my depression is a sure fire way to do exactly that. I don’t know what would help or what others can do, if I did, believe me I’d ask for it. Causing someone to feel helpless makes me feel guilty.

Why you can’t come over.

I’m tired, possibly irritable or crying. I can’t unload my dishwasher, put things away, or get off the couch. I’m certainly in no place to entertain and don’t have the energy to put on my poker face. Add the lack of joy I bring to the table and well, it's mighty unpleasant. It is hardly tolerable at times, it is painful, exhausting and sad. Knowing all of this, it is extremely hard for me to subject others to the experience. I feel bad and guilty putting people I care about in that environment. I know I don’t want to be in it, ever.

Flake.

Often, I am totally unreliable socially. It can be a monumental challenge to make myself presentable and prepared for public consumption. My mood is completely unpredictable from day to day and can change by the hour. It is likely that I will break any social plans I’ve made. I get tremendous anxiety leading up to most events/get together. I just don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to be around myself. I’m reminded of lyrics from Flake by Jack Johnson, “It seems to me that maybe pretty much always means no.” Indeed. It sucks disappointing people, being unable to function outside of my self-deprecating, exhausting and craptacular thoughts. Yay! Let’s make plans so I can make you miserable and we can both feel worse. Doesn’t that sound fun?!

Hi, it sucks to meet you.

My disease also makes it close to impossible to meet new people and actually bring them into the fold. If I manage to become friends with someone new I know that our relationship will be negatively impacted by my depression. I know that it is extremely likely that I will hurt them at some point. I am also hyper sensitive and disappointed easily, likely looking for another reason to push people away. My behavior can be difficult to understand or explain and it can be very hard not to take it personally. People who have known me when I am not as deep into my despair have some understanding and they do their best not to take the fallout from my dysfunction personally. They’ve likely been through it before and they know that when I’m functioning as non-miserable me I can actually be fun to be around and am a committed, supportive friend. It makes it a little easier to get through the bad times but it’s still not fun.

So there it is, it really isn’t you, it’s me. I’m fighting hard to get out of this place but it has an extremely firm grasp and has been identified as chronic and treatment resistant. It’s a nice way of saying we have no freaking clue how to help, but we’ll keep throwing things at you and see if we can find something that sticks.

Now, don’t you feel great? Yeah, didn’t think so.